“Welcome back! It’s so good to see you again!”

I’ve been greeted with those warm welcomes this past week. My short stay in the States created a small gap in the lives of some Kiwis down here. I’m not trying to be egotistic or selfish when saying this, but the roles some of us play in people’s lives down here have become crucial. Us not being here has created inconveniences and changes in routine. Realizing this has made me see what an impact we’ve had as a team in these few short months we’ve been here in South Auckland.

For me, personally, it scares me to have someone depend on me like that. I know God is leading me back to the States for some further schooling. Knowing this and also knowing how people depend on my presence here is scary! What’ll happen when I’m gone? Will someone joke with Sue at the soup kitchen after I leave? Will someone be there to help Dave and Emma with the children’s ministry? How about Isaiah, Jasmine and Celine? What’ll become of their schooling when I’m gone?

I’ve taken on a LOT of responsibility these past four months and I didn’t realize it all until I’d left. Coming back, all these responsibilities are going to fall back on me and I’ll willingly accept them, but will I be able to put them into God’s hands when I leave and trust Him that He’ll provide and care for these ministries?

Trust is the clincher. It’s what I’ve always struggled with. I’m a control freak! I need to know who’s going where and when; what’s happening where and at what time…It gets exhausting after a while, but I always feel I need to know. So what’ll happen when I move back to Walnut, Illinois? Will I be able to sleep at night knowing God’s got it in control?

As I stumble over this and worry, God whispers in my little ear, “Caitlin, don’t you know me? Don’t you remember all the times I’ve provided for you? What do you think these people did before you came? You aren’t their savior!” As harsh as those words may sound, they’re just what I need to hear. I am not what they need. I am only a vessel to show them what they need…to give them what they need—and that’s the love of Christ.